Redirection – the Art of not Feeling/Dealing

Emotional Redirection
Emotional redirection is used to mask our true emotions since those are more difficult to deal with.

My wife caught me redirecting.

I’ve been pretty good at dealing with my feelings lately and catching potential problems and Feeling and Dealing with emotions. Every-so-often, something slips through and I get triggered.

What I mean by “triggered” is something happens in the present that sets off alarm bells from the past. The best way to explain this involves something happening when my brain is brought back to a point in my childhood along with the emotions I had in the past.  This sets my brain in an emotional state in my past while I’m experiencing the present moment.

click In this case, I came home and was disappointed that my wife didn’t do something for me. Before this disappointment, I was feeling some great happiness because I got a new toy I’ve always wanted.  Now with this mixture of happiness followed by disappointment triggered me back to my past when I had the same emotions except things went fro okay to bad with no normal explanation for my young brain to figure out.

click here So now, my emotional state is that of extreme fear.  Something really bad is about to happen to me. I was happy, and now I’m disappointed.  These emotions usually followed me getting in trouble and spanked.

watch I was in extreme fear mode.  I had to divert attention away from me before I get in trouble and spanked (see, my mind’s in the past – adults needn’t fear spankings).  Someone is getting spanked and it’s not going to be me.  This is when I am most deceitful because I’m in a life or death struggle to not get spanked.

Buy College Paper Online By the way, this is all in hindsight.  Now that I’m out of this mode, I can look back and understand my mindset was in the past.  There is no father figure that will spank me.  I’m not a little kid who’s in fear of his life because he’ll get a spanking.

If, at that moment, you asked me if I was having a problem, I would flat out deny anything was wrong.  You see, if I actually admitted I was having a problem, then I would surly be in trouble and the world would truly come to an end for me (again, I’m in my shadow world or living in a past emotion).

This is when I am the luckiest man in the world. I have a wife who I’ve come to trust. She is strong and aware enough to recognize when I’m in this shadow. I trust her enough that no matter what’s going on in my head/world, she can just say:

  • I think there’s something you need to deal with.
  • You seem to be having problems.
  • Something’s not right.

There are definitely times when I go kicking and screaming that nothing’s wrong (which is a sure sign that my emotions are in the past). At this point, I have to feel it and deal with it.

Flowcharts

FlowChartI have flow charts that run my life.  Every interaction I have with people relies on a flow chart.  My flow charts are listed on sub levels in my brain I am unaware of. I know they exist because my world comes crashing down when people don’t follow my flow charts.

Flowchart Origins

I’m sure as a little kid, to bring order to the chaos that was my childhood, I formed these logic flow charts.  As a little boy, when I did get in trouble or something went wrong, nobody ever reasoned the outcome for me.  I had to figure out the reasoning myself.

Let’s see how this works:

  1. As a small child, I am loud in a public restaurant.
  2. Dad gets mad at me.
  3. I get spanked.

Pretty straight forward.  Kids shouldn’t be loud and rough housing in a public restaurant.  I also learn:

  1. One of my siblings is loud.
  2. Dad gets mad
  3. Everyone gets in trouble

I now have these 2 flow charts assembled.  It doesn’t take much to blend them a bit to:

  1. People get loud
  2. Dad gets mad
  3. I get spanked

As an adult, I have no father around, so  I can make my own rules.  I don’t break from this cycle because I have the fear of God in me every time my kids get loud.  I get mad at my children.

I never stop and say, “Wait a minute!  We’re at Chuck-e-Cheese.  You can be as loud and crazy as you want.”  Or, “Wait a minute!  There’s nobody else in the restaurant to care.”

I have thousands of these flow charts in my head and I am always discovering them after the fact.

Here’s a big one I just discovered.  My wife gives me unconditional love.  I’ve learned love isn’t given freely.  There are 2 routes I can go.

Route A:  Reject the love.

When my wife gives me unconditional love I truly feel I don’t deserve it.  I’m not going to tell her I don’t want it because I do, but I didn’t earn it according to my rules and flow charts.  I’ll have to make her mad at me so she’ll take it back.  Then I can do something wonderful to make up for it all and she will then give it to me in a clean, laundered form.

Route B: Accept the love

Another way to allow myself the freely given love is to actually earn it once received.  Before I can truly enjoy the love I freely receive, I have to work hard for it first.  I have to do something special before I can receive this love.  (

This usually doesn’t go well in 2 different ways.  Either my wife’s love is reject because I haven’t paid the proper tribute.  Or,  I pay proper tribute and I’m not given the love I deserve.

Either way, this never goes well.

What to do?

The primary step to solve this problem is realizing in our brains, we have these flowcharts set up.  We have setup these flowcharts to add logic to our chaotic world.  As adults, we are in control of our lives and are no longer stuck in the past world of chaos.

I am constantly rediscovering these flowcharts I’ve setup in my life.  I have to identify them, and shatter them (because, like it or not, I will make the flowchart match my world.  If my flowchart requires something bad to happen as an end result, I will make sure that bad thing happens).

In Shadow

In Shadow

I was triggered again.In Shadow

When I’m triggered, it seems like I’m back in the matrix. I don’t feel like myself. All hope is gone and there is nothing I can do to fix or make things better.

I refer to this as being “In Shadow” state.

Being “in shadow” is a state of mind that can be summarized as absolute terror. In a nightmare experience. Here’s where it gets tricky. You are awake, but there’s still a feeling of terror. All your senses seem to be alive and more heightened. It’s a state of fight or flight, but there’s nothing to run from.

It’s a state of panic.

I don’t like the term panic. Panic doesn’t seem to be a manly word to me. When I think of panic, I get images of:

  • Scared children
  • Women running
  • Wimps

I like the term, “in shadow” because that seems more mysterious to me. But I need to face facts. I get in a state of panic and I want to run in fear.

Either way you call it, it’s a state of “fight or flight” with nothing to “fight” nor “flight” from. This seems to be the ultimate problem. So far, I’ve had 2 reactions to this mode:

  1. enter Don’t react to anything. I’m in “fight” mode and anything perceived as a problem is really me looking for a fight. I want a fight so I can end this panic feeling. Of course, that just makes things worse.
  2. Feel it and deal with it. There is an underlying reason I’m being triggered. Find that reason and face it.