Monsters

Hello. My name is Tom. I am a monster.Monsters

If you know me, you probably think I’m kidding.

I’m not.

My wife sent be a pretty powerful video that really resonated with me. The video (see below) starts with a kid walking with someone. Maybe her parent. She has a really disturbed look on her face. You come to find she’s walking with some zombie mother. This zombie mother represents her alcoholic mother. This is the way she see her mother.

I am that monster too.

Now, I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, but I seem to hold the same tendencies an alcoholic parent has. I sometimes loose it with my children and become that monster.

At least now, I have an image of what I look like when my emotions take over.

It’s ironic that I fear these monsters. In my fear I become what I most fear. I pass this fear on to my children so they can also be monsters.

Time to break that cycle.

Not Reacting

Not Reacting

imageIn my In Shadow post, I mentioned not reacting.

When I look back on my “not reacting” statement, I had a twinge of emotion that said, “that’s just stuffing your emotions again.”

I want to clarify this statement.

When I get in shadow, I am in “fight or flight” mode. If I find myself in “fight” mode, I am looking for a fight. I have this perception that if I make the fight happen, it will end the shadow. Of course, this is all happening at a sub-conscience level and I’m not realizing it. I’m only aware of this after the fact when I reflect on myself.

I end up creating a fight (usually with my lovely wife). This always ends up in creating more problems.

One morning, I was pissed at everything. The dishes weren’t done. The house was a mess. I had to do everything. I was mad and I wanted a fight. I had a moment of clarity where I thought, “I’m just looking for a fight.  If I find a fight, it won’t go well.”

With this thought, I could avoid any serious interaction with my family.  Once I was in a safer place, I was able to reflect and realize I was having some jealousy problems with something that happened the night before.

Don't react to outside emotions.
Don’t react to outside perceptions.

Stuffing your feelings is taking an inside feeling and not dealing with it.

Not reacting is shielding yourself from outside perceptions so it doesn’t turn into inside hurt.

In Shadow

In Shadow

I was triggered again.In Shadow

When I’m triggered, it seems like I’m back in the matrix. I don’t feel like myself. All hope is gone and there is nothing I can do to fix or make things better.

I refer to this as being “In Shadow” state.

Being “in shadow” is a state of mind that can be summarized as absolute terror. In a nightmare experience. Here’s where it gets tricky. You are awake, but there’s still a feeling of terror. All your senses seem to be alive and more heightened. It’s a state of fight or flight, but there’s nothing to run from.

It’s a state of panic.

I don’t like the term panic. Panic doesn’t seem to be a manly word to me. When I think of panic, I get images of:

  • Scared children
  • Women running
  • Wimps

I like the term, “in shadow” because that seems more mysterious to me. But I need to face facts. I get in a state of panic and I want to run in fear.

Either way you call it, it’s a state of “fight or flight” with nothing to “fight” nor “flight” from. This seems to be the ultimate problem. So far, I’ve had 2 reactions to this mode:

  1. Don’t react to anything. I’m in “fight” mode and anything perceived as a problem is really me looking for a fight. I want a fight so I can end this panic feeling. Of course, that just makes things worse.
  2. Feel it and deal with it. There is an underlying reason I’m being triggered. Find that reason and face it.

Feeling and Dealing

Touching EmotionsIf you read my posts up to this point, then you have an understanding of my emotional process.

  1. I have some experience that triggers a past memory/emotion that is hard to deal with.
  2. In a “knee jerk” reaction, I stuff/squash that memory/emotion.
  3. Later, this memory/emotion makes it’s way to the surface and I am set off.
  4. My wife (or myself) notices I am having a problem.
  5. I feel and deal with my stuffed/squashed memory/emotion.

Today, I am focusing on #5 and my process of feeling and dealing with my emotions.

Scary Memory/Emotion

For me, my emotions are the scariest things in the world. They involve fear and pain like a terrified child who wakes up in the middle of the night from a fierce dream only to find him completely trapped dark and scarier bedroom. A fear that hopelessly cries in terror with no response.

When these emotions surface, I have 2 options:

  • Squash or stuff it.
  • Feel it and Deal with it

Throughout my entire life, I have squashed these feelings.  This has always been a temporary fix that just leads to more hurt feelings.  I have found when I squash my feelings, I cannot tolerate others having feelings.

If I’m feeling jealous, I will squash that feeling of jealously.  If there are others around me like my wife and kids.  If they express feelings such as joy or happiness, my first painful feeling is more jealousy.  After all, how can they feel joy when I am trying to squash my feelings.  How dare they!

You can image this leading to more hurt feelings and me yelling at my wife and kids to shut them down.  Even make them feel the way I do to justify my feelings.

Feel it

The best way to truly end this horrible feeling is to feel it. In someways, this feeling has surfaced (since it’s presented itself in #4). In another way, I am truly trying to stuff it and not see it. Because it is so scary, I fight this feeling with all my will power not to see it.

To finally own this feeling, I have to find it and uncover it. I do this through writing. With writing, I find it is a safe way to express a feeling. I can write some pretty horrible stuff on paper and it won’t effect anyone. I can write my deepest and darkest anger and nobody will get hurt.

What is really great about writing, is you know when you hit the feeling. In my writing, I find myself skirting around he emotion until I hit it. Then the emotional floodgates erupt. The wave of emotions you have been holding back let go and it’s an emotional release that is physically and emotionally powerful.
The bigger the emotion, the more powerful the experience.

Deal with it

Once I find and experience the emotion with the physical and emotional release, I can now deal with that emotion. Along with the emotions comes memories and background. I experience the moment that triggered these emotions. I have to reassure myself these emotions are in the past and things have changed. I am an adult. I cannot change the past, but I can make things better now.

Warnings

Make sure you are in a safe place. I have an understanding with my wife when I have this emotions, I say, “I have something to deal with.” Then I goto our bedroom and lock the door. This is my safe place. I am not to come out until I have felt the feeling. If I get emotionally worked up, and then have to come out and deal with anything, it could be disastrous.

Make sure you have a safe place and an understanding that you’re dealing with some tough emotions. Interruptions won’t go well.

Also, most of the time, in dealing with my emotions, there is always these thoughts:

  • This is so stupid
  • What a lame emotion
  • These are childish emotions

Well of course their stupid, lame, and childish emotions.  These are usually deep emotional wound that have not been dealt with and need to be.  Do not judge the emotions.  Just write them down.  By labeling these emotions, it’s an attempt to squash/stuff it.  Don’t!  Otherwise, you’ll be dealing with it again.

Feel It!

Deal with it!

Move on!

Projection

SeriousManWith a passive aggressive personality, I do not like my emotions.  My emotions are scary and I do not know how to deal with them.  My emotions seem to always get in the way of me enjoying my life.  After all, how can I be happy if I have sad emotions?

I tend to repress my emotions, but this only works to a certain extent with my emotions.  At one point, my emotions makes their way out to surfacing one way or another.

Surfacing Emotions

No matter how hard I try to repress my emotions, they always bubble out to the surface when I least expect it.

I am reminded of when Ambassador Sarek was afflicted with the Bendii Syndrome at the age of 201. Like Alzheimer’s Disease for Vulcans. All his repressed emotions came blasting to the surface.  This is how emotions surface for me1.

CryingManWhen these emotions surface, I find my need to disguise them into my reality.  Otherwise, I will be forced to confront then (and of course I cannot confront my emotions).  I accomplish this by projecting my emotions on others.  Here’s how it actually happens.

  1. source site Repressed emotion.  A repressed emotion is triggered by a situation.   How about a mother’s rejection.  That’s always a good festering emotional pain I have.
  2. Dissertation Writing Results Section God Helps Those Who Helps Themselves Essays Wallow.  Once the emotion is triggered, to bring it to it’s fullest effect, I have to wallow in all the emotional pain.  Just like the Whos calling out, “WE ARE HERE,” to be heard and recognized.
  3. here Find someone safe.  There is always someone safe to use.  After all, since they love you, they are willing to participate in your emotions.  If they truly loved you, they will understand.  My wife is someone who I feel safe with.  She will not hurt me intentionally, so she is the perfect candidate for my projections2.
  4. see url Project.  Take that emotional pain that has wallowed up inside you and project the cause onto person found in #3.  Make them truly feel your hurt that is very real to you from your wallowing in #2.

Kind of twisted to task someone who feels safe and project such horrible emotions.  Here’s another example:

  1. enter psychology dissertation writing services Find repressed emotion.  I was taught to fear my father or get spanked.
  2. http://www.sodascore.com/writing-a-good-college-admissions-essay-intro/ Wallow.  Take that emotion and really feel the fear I had.  Relish in the little boy feeling of getting spanked for some unknown reason.
  3. Find someone safe.  How about my kids.  They are really safe.  They can not even fight back.  They are always getting in trouble, so they will be an easy target.
  4. http://www.3solarbids.com/order-of-authors-in-research-paper/ Project.  They did something bad and they need to feel the fear I felt as a kid.  They better cower in fear.  I am talking about fetal position in the corner fear.

Not Condone

I understand this is disturbing behavior and I do not condone any of it in any way.  This is more of an understanding on how and why projection happens.

Prevention

In the steps 1-4, projection does not surface until #4.  I am married to a wonderful woman who can detect when I am projecting in #4.  I would like to get to the point where I catch this behavior at steps 1, 2, and 3, but that has not happened yet.

When I am called on this behavior, I can easily repress it.  Repression is not the solution because it will just resurface elsewhere.  The true way to prevent this from happening again is to feel the emotion.

In my next post, I will write about how I feel and deal with these emotions.

1 In no way am I trying to equate myself with Ambassador Sarek
2 Of course this is twisted logic to use and abuse someone you love.

Red or Blue Pill?

the-matrix-red-pill-or-blue-pill

In the Matrix, Neo is offered a red or blue pill. If he takes the red pill, the reality of truth (painful as it is) will be reveled to him. If he takes the blue pill, he will continue in his fabricated reality. Neo takes the red pill and is ripped from his reality and shown the true world he lives in.

Since becoming aware of my emotions, I feel like I have taken the red pill myself. Every time I experience my emotions, I find I am moving away from my twisted reality into the real world. Let me explain.

When you deny your emotions, you force yourself to see the world differently to protect yourself from your emotions. For instance, if I want to be happy, I will force myself to see the world in a happy way. If others around me are not happy (my children or my wife), I will ignore or deny their feelings because they do not fit with the world view I want. If something happens to me and I need to feel sad, I will deny myself those feelings also.

This all works great for me except something else happens. I cannot seem to contain my emotions. If I have negative emotions that do not fit in my happy world, my emotions work behind the scenes to create havoc to make me mad at my children or wife until I explode. Once my emotions explode, I am back to normal.

Red_pill___Blue_pill_by_Pencilshade
Let me give you a scenario that happens often. I am happy-go-lucky type of guy with a wife and 3 boys. My middle child does something great (like helps his brother with something) and my wife rewards him with extra love. I see all this and something inside me is jealous because I was never rewarded as a child like that. I would stuff/ignore this uncomfortable feeling I have since I am a happy-go-lucky guy. After all, how can a man be jealous of his own kid for something as silly as a reward. My inner self then becomes very jealous and hurts even more because I am ignore it all. My inner self then looks for things my middle child does because my inner self wants revenge. My inner self sees something my middle child does that’s wrong and my emotions explode.

Before taking the red pill, this is how things would work out. Of course, my wife would get mad at me for exploding my emotions, but I would feel justified in my emotions. This would then lead to a major fight and more emotions.

Now that I have taken the red pill, I catch glimpse of this happening in myself. I am becoming more aware that I do create a reality to fit my emotional needs instead of living in the here and now. It is also easier to see it happening in people around me. I see other parents doing the same thing I do.

It is easy to create our own reality to fit our needs, but it is more true and fair to live in the actual world. This true world is a tough pill to swallow, but I am hoping it is worth it in the end.

Where do emotions start?

Where to begin?

Caution: Passive-Aggressive Ahead
I can not actually start at the beginning because I am not certain where it began.  I have an idea, but I don’t think I can nail it down.

I think this will be more like painting a picture.  With a painting, It’s difficult to find where the artist started, but in the end, you can see the whole image.

Let’s start with a big brush.  I am a passive aggressive personality type.  I learned how to deal with my emotions in a passive way.  I truly fear my emotions, so I use passive means for my emotions to come out.

How does this workout?

Since I fear my emotions, I fear all emotions.  That means good and bad emotions.  I have learned how to live without the good emotions to avoid the bad ones. If I let myself feel the emotion of joy, I am opening myself up to other emotions like disappointment. I don’t know how to handle disappointment, so I just don’t feel joy.

Also, since I fear emotions, nobody near me can have their emotions. When my boy have an exciting time playing outside, I get mad at them and crush their spirits. After all, I couldn’t be happy and giddy, what right do they have?

This normally would workout great for me, except I am married. I am married to a woman who does not fear her feelings. She lives with them daily.

Thus, I am forced to deal with mine feelings, or not be married.

Talk about scary!