Anger and Love

Of the many problems I experience with my emotions is the blending of Anger and Love. When my parents were mad at me I learned about the emotion of anger.  Since there wasn’t an expression of love in my house as I grew up, I never experience the blending of anger and love before.

click here Some how I equated anger with not loving.

Now my Wife enters the picture

My wife is constantly mad at me.  Whenever my wife is mad at me, that loving emotion I experience from her is removed from my world.  Since she is mad at me, I perceive that she no longer loves me (which is a very scary thing for a child to loose the love of his mother1.  At this point in my shadow world I end up using my passive aggressive skills (which end up making things worse, like pouring gasoline onto the fire):

  • Try to convince her that I didn’t do it
    • I didn’t do it
    • It’s some else’s fault for her anger
  • Try to convince her the anger she feels isn’t valid

As you might guess, these never work. I’m just a terrified child in shadow trying to gain the love of his mother.


In reality, my wife loves me very much.  She can hold an angry emotion and still love me.  During one of our fights2, my wife got really mad with me. She stormed up stairs as a total rejection of her love for me (again my perceptions/projections). She came down moments later while she was still mad, put her arms around me and said, “It makes me mad when you do X, but I still love you.”

At this point, my world crashed. I broke down like a little baby and cried and cried. I couldn’t understand how she could be mad at me, but still have love for me.

Many times, we would have arguments that would go unsolved. My perception was she hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. With our unresolved argument, my wife would go about her life like normal and ask me what I wanted for dinner (or something inane like that). I’d stare at her in disbelief. One time I even mentioned, “How can you ask me that? Are you not aware that you’re mad at me?”

I never understood the combination of Anger and Love.

Mixing Anger and Love

Anger and Love
You can be angry with someone and love them at the same time.

After many fights/arguments, my wife realized she needed to use the phrase3, “I get really mad at you when you do X, but I still love you.” After she used it on me, when she came down (from upstairs) and gave me a hug, she looked me in the eye and told me this. That’s what really broke me down. This phrase is used constantly in our house; with each other and with our children.

I’m beginning to understand that a loved one can be angry with someone and love them at the same time. My second born is at the age of understand that I seem to be stumped at. He also cannot understand the mixing of anger and love. There have been many times when I’m mad at him and he responds with the same anger. I tell him, “I’m mad at you when you do X, but I still love you.” He responds with, “No you don’t! You don’t love me! You’re mad at me!” My only response is to give him a big hug (which is a bit hard when you’re mad).

This concept really hit home when my wife found a picture of an angry old man. This man in his anger was still holding an umbrella to protect his wife while he sat in the rain. With all the anger this old man had for his wife, he was still loving enough to protect her.

It’s amazing how an image can explain the mixing of such emotions.  Now we use the phrase, “I’m mad at you, but I still love you.”  Or we hold up an imaginary umbrella for the other person and that explains it all.

1 Yes, she’s my wife but she is also a mother figure. At this point, I’m in shadow and dealing/projecting childhood emotions, so she is a mother figure. This might be great content for another post.
2 Dissertation Defined I’ve forgotten what the fight was about, but I probably did something wrong, got caught and tried (as a terrified child) on of my passive aggressive methods to bring back my mother’s love.
3 see It still makes me tear up just thinking about it.

Seeing Other Shadows and Monsters

It’s hard being in reality

Shadow Monster
Seeing other people’s shadow sheds light on my own shadows.

After taking the red pill, find myself staying on the actual side of reality. I usually stay on this side of reality unless I’m triggered and end up in shadow. When I’m in reality, I ketch glimpse of others who are in shadow and I feel like Neo1 who understands how the matrix works and sees people trapped in the matrix.

It’s really hard not to engage people in shadow since I feel I’ve been where they are at. Unfortunately, I also realize being in shadow alters your perception of reality. No matter what I say, there’s not much that will break them free from the world they are in.

Here’s what I saw

As a treat, my family eats at Baja Fresh (a Californian/Mexican food place).  As an additional treat, we visit the local bookstore and buy each kid a book. While in the children’s section of this big book store, a father found his lot 4 year old daughter. Of course, I’m not certain how you con loose your children when they are in the “Children’s” section of the book store2.

This father proceeded to scold her for being lost to the point of making her cry.

Now let me add that it’s a scary experience to loose a child. Any parent would be in panic mode with the thoughts of what would happen to your lost child.

But, is it necessary to make your 4 year old daughter cry because you were scared?

Past Emotions Projected onto the Present

I’d imagine that father was experiencing past emotions. It seemed that father was re-living a past memory when he was made to cry after being lost.

I’m sure a balanced father would experience anger, but I would hope a balanced father would not actively participate in making his 4 year old daughter cry.

I find it’s a major clue a person is in shadow when their reasoning isn’t sound or is child like.  This father was defending his actions to his wife with the childlike excuse of “She made me do it!”

I would like to think I’m at the point in my progression where I can see myself and others “in shadow.” My wife gives me a look and is able to say, “There’s something else going on here that you need to deal with.” If it’s a very deep emotion, I’ll fight my instincts and hold onto that shadow reality. In the end, I end up facing the truth of reality. I just hope I don’t look that pathetic as a father making his 4 year old cry.3

It seems once you’re able to see past the primal emotions of others and realize they are having the same problems I have helps to relate to the world.  I don’t see it as an excuse (“he’s doing it too, so I should be able to”).  I see it more as the progress I have made and I am at the point where I can see it in others.  I can see myself in them.  It reminds me how often I can slip back into that role of being the monster.

1 I am not trying to equate myself to Neo nor some Christ figure. In no way am I capable of Neo’s skills nor Christ’s everything.
2 source url Hello!? It’s a book store with a children’s section!? Reminds me of when Joseph and Mary found Jesus in the Temple and Jesus answers with, “Hello!?, I’m in the temple!? Where else would I be?! Of course, he didn’t say this, but I paraphrased Luke 2:49
3 follow link No matter how hard I fight against the truth of reality, I always end up looking like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum. Not like the man I’m created to be.