Where to begin?
I can not actually start at the beginning because I am not certain where it began. I have an idea, but I don’t think I can nail it down.
I think this will be more like painting a picture. With a painting, It’s difficult to find where the artist started, but in the end, you can see the whole image.
Let’s start with a big brush. I am a passive aggressive personality type. I learned how to deal with my emotions in a passive way. I truly fear my emotions, so I use passive means for my emotions to come out.
How does this workout?
Since I fear my emotions, I fear all emotions. That means good and bad emotions. I have learned how to live without the good emotions to avoid the bad ones. If I let myself feel the emotion of joy, I am opening myself up to other emotions like disappointment. I don’t know how to handle disappointment, so I just don’t feel joy.
Also, since I fear emotions, nobody near me can have their emotions. When my boy have an exciting time playing outside, I get mad at them and crush their spirits. After all, I couldn’t be happy and giddy, what right do they have?
This normally would workout great for me, except I am married. I am married to a woman who does not fear her feelings. She lives with them daily.
Thus, I am forced to deal with mine feelings, or not be married.
Talk about scary!