SeriousManWith a passive aggressive personality, I do not like my emotions.  My emotions are scary and I do not know how to deal with them.  My emotions seem to always get in the way of me enjoying my life.  After all, how can I be happy if I have sad emotions?

I tend to repress my emotions, but this only works to a certain extent with my emotions.  At one point, my emotions makes their way out to surfacing one way or another.

Surfacing Emotions

No matter how hard I try to repress my emotions, they always bubble out to the surface when I least expect it.

I am reminded of when Ambassador Sarek was afflicted with the Bendii Syndrome at the age of 201. Like Alzheimer’s Disease for Vulcans. All his repressed emotions came blasting to the surface.  This is how emotions surface for me1.

CryingManWhen these emotions surface, I find my need to disguise them into my reality.  Otherwise, I will be forced to confront then (and of course I cannot confront my emotions).  I accomplish this by projecting my emotions on others.  Here’s how it actually happens.

  1. Repressed emotion.  A repressed emotion is triggered by a situation.   How about a mother’s rejection.  That’s always a good festering emotional pain I have.
  2. Wallow.  Once the emotion is triggered, to bring it to it’s fullest effect, I have to wallow in all the emotional pain.  Just like the Whos calling out, “WE ARE HERE,” to be heard and recognized.
  3. go site Find someone safe.  There is always someone safe to use.  After all, since they love you, they are willing to participate in your emotions.  If they truly loved you, they will understand.  My wife is someone who I feel safe with.  She will not hurt me intentionally, so she is the perfect candidate for my projections2.
  4. Project.  Take that emotional pain that has wallowed up inside you and project the cause onto person found in #3.  Make them truly feel your hurt that is very real to you from your wallowing in #2.

Kind of twisted to task someone who feels safe and project such horrible emotions.  Here’s another example:

  1. go here see Find repressed emotion.  I was taught to fear my father or get spanked.
  2. click here Wallow.  Take that emotion and really feel the fear I had.  Relish in the little boy feeling of getting spanked for some unknown reason.
  3. watch Find someone safe.  How about my kids.  They are really safe.  They can not even fight back.  They are always getting in trouble, so they will be an easy target.
  4. here Project.  They did something bad and they need to feel the fear I felt as a kid.  They better cower in fear.  I am talking about fetal position in the corner fear.

Not Condone

I understand this is disturbing behavior and I do not condone any of it in any way.  This is more of an understanding on how and why projection happens.


In the steps 1-4, projection does not surface until #4.  I am married to a wonderful woman who can detect when I am projecting in #4.  I would like to get to the point where I catch this behavior at steps 1, 2, and 3, but that has not happened yet.

When I am called on this behavior, I can easily repress it.  Repression is not the solution because it will just resurface elsewhere.  The true way to prevent this from happening again is to feel the emotion.

In my next post, I will write about how I feel and deal with these emotions.

1 In no way am I trying to equate myself with Ambassador Sarek
2 Of course this is twisted logic to use and abuse someone you love.

Red or Blue Pill?


In the Matrix, Neo is offered a red or blue pill. If he takes the red pill, the reality of truth (painful as it is) will be reveled to him. If he takes the blue pill, he will continue in his fabricated reality. Neo takes the red pill and is ripped from his reality and shown the true world he lives in.

Since becoming aware of my emotions, I feel like I have taken the red pill myself. Every time I experience my emotions, I find I am moving away from my twisted reality into the real world. Let me explain.

When you deny your emotions, you force yourself to see the world differently to protect yourself from your emotions. For instance, if I want to be happy, I will force myself to see the world in a happy way. If others around me are not happy (my children or my wife), I will ignore or deny their feelings because they do not fit with the world view I want. If something happens to me and I need to feel sad, I will deny myself those feelings also.

This all works great for me except something else happens. I cannot seem to contain my emotions. If I have negative emotions that do not fit in my happy world, my emotions work behind the scenes to create havoc to make me mad at my children or wife until I explode. Once my emotions explode, I am back to normal.

Let me give you a scenario that happens often. I am happy-go-lucky type of guy with a wife and 3 boys. My middle child does something great (like helps his brother with something) and my wife rewards him with extra love. I see all this and something inside me is jealous because I was never rewarded as a child like that. I would stuff/ignore this uncomfortable feeling I have since I am a happy-go-lucky guy. After all, how can a man be jealous of his own kid for something as silly as a reward. My inner self then becomes very jealous and hurts even more because I am ignore it all. My inner self then looks for things my middle child does because my inner self wants revenge. My inner self sees something my middle child does that’s wrong and my emotions explode.

Before taking the red pill, this is how things would work out. Of course, my wife would get mad at me for exploding my emotions, but I would feel justified in my emotions. This would then lead to a major fight and more emotions.

Now that I have taken the red pill, I catch glimpse of this happening in myself. I am becoming more aware that I do create a reality to fit my emotional needs instead of living in the here and now. It is also easier to see it happening in people around me. I see other parents doing the same thing I do.

It is easy to create our own reality to fit our needs, but it is more true and fair to live in the actual world. This true world is a tough pill to swallow, but I am hoping it is worth it in the end.

Where do emotions start?

Where to begin?

Caution: Passive-Aggressive Ahead
I can not actually start at the beginning because I am not certain where it began.  I have an idea, but I don’t think I can nail it down.

I think this will be more like painting a picture.  With a painting, It’s difficult to find where the artist started, but in the end, you can see the whole image.

Let’s start with a big brush.  I am a passive aggressive personality type.  I learned how to deal with my emotions in a passive way.  I truly fear my emotions, so I use passive means for my emotions to come out.

How does this workout?

Since I fear my emotions, I fear all emotions.  That means good and bad emotions.  I have learned how to live without the good emotions to avoid the bad ones. If I let myself feel the emotion of joy, I am opening myself up to other emotions like disappointment. I don’t know how to handle disappointment, so I just don’t feel joy.

Also, since I fear emotions, nobody near me can have their emotions. When my boy have an exciting time playing outside, I get mad at them and crush their spirits. After all, I couldn’t be happy and giddy, what right do they have?

This normally would workout great for me, except I am married. I am married to a woman who does not fear her feelings. She lives with them daily.

Thus, I am forced to deal with mine feelings, or not be married.

Talk about scary!

Hello world!

Here it is.  My first post.  Nothing special to see yet.

Of course, I have to get back to work before someone realized I have been working on getting my wordpress site up.